WARNING: THIS CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE IN THE SERVICE OF BEING “FUNNY” BECAUSE APPARENTLY MOST OF YOU PEOPLE CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO READ LONGFORM IF THERE ARENT OCCASIONAL DICK JOKES OR PROFANITY TO KEEP IT INTERESTING
IT’S FAIR TO SAY THAT IF THE THE WORD “FUCK”, AND IT’S MANY DERIVATIVES IS TO STRONG FOR YOUR DELICATE SENSIBILITIES, IT’S PROBABLY THE CASE THAT THE BLACK HOLE MIGHT NOT BE THE BEST PLACE FOR YOU ANYWAY
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ HERE PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT’S WAITING FOR YOU IN GOD’S LITTLE ACRE OF DIAMONDS – THE BLACK HOLE!
Once upon a time, Burning Man was a lawless hellscape where everything could kill you and anarchy held sway. The strong fed on the bones of the weak and human sacrifice occurred so regularly that it barely attracted a crowd.
Sadly, those days are long gone and have been replaced with a sanitized, cushioned adult ballpit of onerous rules and regulations, and only somethings will kill you now.
The Black Hole, in it’s attempts to at least sort of come off as a civilized place where “adults” live is no different, in so far as we do have at least a set of guidelines and rules meant to keep you mostly alive and the human sacrifices as kosher and/or halal as could be reasonably expected in a primitive desert environment with limited resources and only occasional access to sanitized food prep areas.
Below is this year’s edition of the breathing document know as HOW TO NOT SUCK IN THE BLACK HOLE
1. IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT SOME OF THESE IDIOTS ARE ACTUALLY WORKING HERE: You would probably never know it from some of the egregiously stupid shit that’s happening for strictly entertainment purposes pretty much around the fucking clock in the Black Hole – but we did tell the ORG that this was a staff camp, and in order to continue fleecing them for things like electricity and internet access, we should probably at least occasionally comport ourselves like reasonable adults. If you are going to act like a fucking idiot – try to localize it in the bar area where we can toss down a tarp or something and keep you sequestered from the decent people, many of whom, unlike you, may actually be trying to sleep. Sooner or later, you are going to come to your senses and that person will be you, and I’m sure the last thing you are going to want is someone scream-singing outside the sheer walls of your shame tent.
2. HOLY SHIT – WHAT HAPPENED HERE?: sooner or later – your desperate and thirsty need for the approval of your friend’s laughter is going to make a giant fucking mess. It happens, sometimes by design. We get it. All we ask is that you leave no visible trace of your asinine horseplay.you must immediately clean up after yourselves AT ALL FUCKING TIMES. While we realize it’s probably an impossible fucking dream that this camp is ever going to go completely green on the MOOP map – but could you at least fucking try to try. Strike sucks bad enough as it is without you making it even worse. Be a buddy.
3. YOU ARE A SINNER IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD: your whole life has been an affront to a righteous god that almost certainly has a bone to pick with you, and who will almost certainly take the opportunity to exact revenge with an old testament biblical apocalypse of a dust storm designed to lay waste to that hovel you call a home in the desert.. Build your camp as if this could happen at any minute (you know what you did) so the rest of us aren’t running around in a category 5 earth flattening death storm trying to keep your raggedy-ass shit from blowing out to point 3 while you are stuck down at the gate.
4. REBAR: THE OTHER BLACK HOLE BAR: all shade structures, tents, creepy goddess worship yurts, and sadness domes must be held down with ratchet straps and rebar. WE WILL INSPECT YOUR STRUCTURE. if it’s not rigged to withstand the wrath of an angry god (we know what you did as well, so let’s not kid ourselves)- you will have one day to get it up to code. after that – it comes down until you can get your shit together. So tighten up, dawg. Plan on having one piece of 2-foot rebar for larger structures (1 foot long for regular tents) and 1 ratchet strap for every 10 feet of your shade structure. inclusive of all 4 corners.
5. FUCK YOU AND YOUR EZ UP: I cant believe its 2019 and we still gotta talk about EZ Ups, but here the fuck we are. Just fucking DON’T.
6. IF YOU LEAVE TRASH IN THE PORTOS, WE WILL BURN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE TO THE GROUND: if you only do one goddamn thing right this year – make it this. No one should be forced to pull your urine-soaked cocktail fruit out of the pisser, but we will – and then we’ll put it in your bed.
7. HOW ‘BOUT NOT BEING A DICK TO OUR GUESTS: I know some of you are actively LARP’ing out some authority cosplay kink, and far be it from me to piss on your only chance to senselessly wield your petty authority in the cool kids club – but for the love of fucking god – if I have to listen to one more story about how a staff members friend/family/ sexual surrogate/parole officer came by for a visit and was treated like shit – you are going back to solitary confinement and this time it’s for good. You’ll live out the remainder of your miserable days in that box
8. I DUNNO – WOULD IT KILL YOU TO NOT BE A DICK TO THE TAXPAYERS IN GENERAL: I know spending 8 hours a day only interacting with ONLY the dumbest motherfuckers in black rock city up at the gate takes its toll on you. Yes. LOTS of people are doing it wrong – but at one point SO DID YOU. Just try to remember that you can’t have the circus without the rubes – and those rubes are bankrolling our good time. Cut them some slack so they don’t take their money somewhere else and you have to start making your own lunch again.
9. WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY: if you are camped in a blue or yellow-colored space on the map – it means you have been approved to be on the power grid. you will need to provide your own HEAVY GAUGE extension cord – no less than 50 feet long. you will also be personally responsible for trenching that cable run if it passes through any place that humans or vehicles traverse. when (not if) the power blows – don’t try to solve your own problem. get on the radio for BLACK HOLE OPS and let us handle it. The power load in camp is usually balanced on a knife’s edge and is a constantly moving target. It’s just as likely that you can create 3 new problems while trying to solve 1 if you aren’t completely aware of where the load currently stands. if you are in a grey (no power) space – DO NOT plug into the grid. If you need someplace to recharge your fleshlight or whatever, let someone in Black Hole Ops know and we’ll find you a spot you can use temporarily. Don’t assume an open plug is cool to just go shoving yourself into. Consent is not only sexy – it’s the thing that’s going to spare you the shame of accidentally dropping a whole leg of power like a total dick.
10. ARRIVAL/PLACEMENT PROCEDURE: When you arrive in camp after your 14 hour adderal fueled death march of a drive to Black Rock City – before you do anything else – proceed to the BLACK HOLE OPERATIONS AREA. This is located in the upper northwest corner of camp, and will be marked with a banner. Please parallel park in the space underneath the banner, and then pop around to the shade structure on the other side, where hopefully someone will be there to greet you. If no one is in – it’s possible that we are assisting other customers or something far less important. If that’s the case – have the first person you see with a radio call for BLACK HOLE OPS on the gate support channel and wait there under the shade. The black hole ops manager on duty will see to it you get to your space.
Once you are placed – proceed to our new check-in credentialing window in the meeting shade so we can tag and release you with proper ID. Once that’s done – just try not to bring shame your family and friends for at least the first 8 hours or so. Once that period comes to a screeching halt and your impulse control becomes a pitch-black smoldering cinder – at least try to contain your performative stupidity to the bar where we can judge you accordingly for our own amusement.
11. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF: the blue and grey campsites on the map are 20 feet by 20 feet, and yellow ones are 40 feet by 20 feet. While this generally is more than a sufficient amount of room – it’s possible some of you might be a little over on one side. If you think this is going to be you – please contact me so that I can connect you with your immediate neighbors (assuming they are someone you don’t already have a shady past with already) so you guys can work it out. You’ll find in most cases there are almost no land usage problems that can’t be solved with a compensatory bottle of Jameson’s
12. SERIOUSLY. THERE’S NO RULE THAT SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE A TOTAL DICK: life is all about choices, dawg. we all know that burning man is an emotional powder keg and it’s not like you were wrapped all that tight to begin with. Why else would you blow your one vacation a year standing 2 miles outside the best party on earth in a cloud of dust and exhaust fumes?
Try and pace yourself and listen to your stupid, stupid body. Drink some water. Get some rest, eat something besides cereal every now and then. The time to take care of yourself is BEFORE you blow yourself out. Burning Man is a terrible place to be injured internally as well as externally. Look out for your friends too. Don’t be afraid to bench a motherfucker for their own good. They’ll probably thank you someday. Maybe even tomorrow.
Also – try to mediate your own beefs. We have the resources to help you if you can’t but spare those folks for the really tough cases. If you need help with some dark emo problem with yourself or another crew member, please ask your manager to point you in the right direction
See – that wasn’t so bad, was it. You can do it, little buddy. We’re all counting on you
Yours in Bob’s Infinite Rage:
Black Hole Operations Manager
Gate, Perimeter and Exodus